Why Do Couples Fight Over Small Things - and What It Really Means
Why Small Arguments Feel So Big
Most couples have been there — arguing over dishes, the thermostat, or how someone loaded the dishwasher. These small disagreements might seem trivial, but as a Toronto, Ontario couples therapist, I often remind clients that minor fights usually carry deeper emotional meanings.
From a Gottman Method perspective, everyday frustrations are rarely about what they appear to be. They often point to unmet needs for respect, attention, or emotional connection.
Emotional Bids: The Hidden Requests Beneath Everyday Moments
Drs. John and Julie Gottman describe “emotional bids” as subtle attempts to connect. A sigh, a comment, or a request for help isn’t always about the task itself; it’s often a bid for attention, empathy, or partnership.
When these bids go unnoticed or are met with irritation, a partner can feel unseen or unimportant, leading to frustration or withdrawal. Over time, these small misattunements can accumulate, creating a sense of emotional distance.
Example:
Partner A: “Can you handle bedtime tonight?”
Partner B: “I’ve had such a long day — can you just do it?”
On the surface, this might sound like a simple logistical question about childcare. But beneath it, Partner A may be expressing a need for partnership, support, or acknowledgment of their own exhaustion. When that need goes unrecognized, it can trigger feelings of resentment or loneliness. Not because of the bedtime routine itself, but because the deeper bid for connection and teamwork was missed.
Every Conflict Has a “Dream Within It”
According to the Gottman Method of couples therapy, even small arguments contain “dreams within the conflict.” That means each partner holds deeper personal meanings behind their stance.
For instance:
A fight about money might really be about security or freedom.
A disagreement about chores might reflect a desire for fairness or appreciation.
A tension about time together might point to a need for connection or autonomy.
When couples learn to explore these dreams with curiosity, they shift from defensiveness to understanding.
The Truth About “Small” Problems
Many couples in therapy tell me, “We don’t have big issues — just lots of little ones.” Gottman’s research shows that how couples handle these “small” moments predicts long-term satisfaction more than big events do.
Building a culture of appreciation — noticing what your partner does right, expressing gratitude, and maintaining humour — buffers your relationship against the weight of daily irritations.
How to Look Beneath the Surface During Conflict
Next time you and your partner get stuck in a repetitive, minor argument, try slowing things down and asking:
What is this really about for me?
What does this represent for my partner?
Is there a deeper need here — for respect, closeness, or reassurance?
Small conflicts can be powerful invitations to deeper connection when met with empathy rather than defensiveness.
Turning Toward, Not Away
Gottman’s decades of research highlight a simple truth: relationships thrive when partners “turn toward” each other’s bids for connection.
That might look like pausing to listen, validating your partner’s feelings, or softening your tone. Over time, these small choices create emotional safety — the cornerstone of healthy, lasting relationships.
In Closing
If you find yourselves fighting about small things, it doesn’t mean your relationship is failing — it means you’re both reaching for connection in ways that may not yet be understood.
Exploring these dynamics in couples therapy can help you uncover what’s really happening beneath the surface, communicate more effectively, and rebuild emotional closeness.
If you’re ready to deepen your connection or improve communication, I offer Gottman-informed couples therapy in Toronto, Ontario.
By Dr. Katelyn Gomes Ph.D., C.Psych.
This blog is not meant to be a substitute for therapy. This should not be construed as specific advice. See a therapist in your area to address your specific problems.
